Mature communication is a fundamental building block of society, as it helps us to function effectively. In order to address conflict in society, the late Dr Marshal Rosenberg, an American psychologist, wrote a book called Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life. Dr Rosenberg believed that human beings are, at their core, empathetic and compassionate. A mature, non-judgemental, non-violent reaction to hurtful situations is a choice we make and can be learnt at any time.

Conflict is a part of our daily lives. It could be because of irrational learnt beliefs and prejudices, negative emotions, misunderstandings, or lack of concern for others. Today, cutthroat competition is lauded by the media and influencers. This constant quest for being ‘first’ results in conflict when our needs are unmet. Living on the edge brings unhappiness, destroys human relationships and results in various psychosomatic sicknesses. For instance, a gossip is impinging on the rights of others by spreading canards. Some communicate through criticism, bullying, aggression and sarcasm.

Irrational Culturally Learnt Beliefs and Prejudices: “As the head of this family, my daughter must be married off early. A woman’s place is in the house. What does she need an education for?” Prejudice colours a person’s thinking, and he will defend a lie.

Negative Emotions: A person feels worthless, perhaps due to mental and physical abuse during his/her early days. Consequently, the person is aggressive in communicating with others.

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Audio and visual modalities are two primary means of communication. Humans use these multi-modalities to convey emotions, ideas, and messages effectively. In recent years, we have been using audio-visual communication technology. The audio modality for communication quite often remains noisy and needs to be reviewed as misuse of it has caused sound pollution and hearing loss to many. However, the usage of visual communication modality has enabled millions of deaf people to use their abilities.

In India, persons with deafness use Indian Sign Language (ISL), which is a visual-spatial concept-based language, to communicate. Our society needs to recognize this and constitutionally accept it as a language. The Government of India recognized ISL usage through the establishment of the Indian Sign Language Research and Training Centre (ISLRTC), New Delhi, in 2011, under the 11th Five Year Plan (FYP).

ISL uses a visual communication modality that involves the transmission of information through signs and visual cues, such as gaze and facial expression elements, as part of the grammatical and linguistic features of a language. It encompasses various visual-spatial modalities with linguistic cues like tone, pitch, volume, and intonation.

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“I’d sit alone and watch your light
My only friend through teenage nights
And everything I had to know
I heard it on my radio.
You gave them all those old-time stars
Through wars of worlds invaded by Mars
You made ‘em laugh, you made ‘em cry
You made us feel like we could fly… Radio!”
(Lyrics of Radio Ga Ga by Queen)

Way back in the 60’s, when I was a kid, radio was king!

My generation had no TV and the whole family looked forward to being informed (the news) and entertained (music/entertainment programmes) on the “magic box” called ‘radio’.

On rainy days you would find us gathered around the radio to listen to Saturday Date and the Bournivita Quiz Contest and Hawa Mahal on AM radio.

All of us listen to the radio and take it for granted, but when did radio first start and who invented it?

It all started with Guglielmo Marconi (1874-1937) who is generally considered the Grandfather of Radio Communication.

As with anything new, radio was initially perceived in a very negative way, with many people saying it was just a passing trend and would die a quick death.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular,” said David Sarnoff in 1920.

“The radio craze will die out with time,” predicted famous inventor Thomas Edison in 1922. But as we can see, most of these people had to eat their words.

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Talking isn’t a skill you are taught in school or college; and yet it’s your only tool to have your opinion expressed and voice heard. Did you know that one out of every three teenagers is afraid to speak in front of people? This is one of the commonest phobias out there. You’re at an age and stage where you want to make friends, speak up in the classroom, discuss projects, and seek a career. Do these worrisome thoughts ever cross your mind when you’re about to speak up?

• “My friends will think I’m not smart enough.”
• “My idea might not be acknowledged.”
• “This interviewer will think I am an idiot.”
• “How come I don’t know how to keep conversations?”
• “It will be embarrassing, because I’ll look like a fool.”

The most eloquent of public speakers can also get nervous and fumble from time to time. Nobody expects you to be forever witty and all knowing. Maybe you had a bad experience earlier and felt humiliated; possibly you had an unsupportive class or friend group or you’re simply an over-perfectionist who feels incompetent with the smallest social setback. The truth is, speaking publicly in front of people is important; and small simple techniques can make you shine with or without the spotlight on you.

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Words can make or break a person’s life, can start wars or bring peace. Words can indeed be mightier than a sword! Words have the energy, the power and the ability to help, to heal, to hurt, to harm or humiliate. Knowing the strength of the words we utter, we must discipline ourselves to speak in a way that conveys respect, gentleness and humility.

It was Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California, who introduced the 7-38-55 rule. According to him, in any communication 7 per cent of the meaning is communicated through spoken word, 38 per cent through the tone of voice, and 55 per cent through body language. He says the non-verbal elements in communication are more important, and it really reveals the person. Though words matter only 7 per cent, in real life we know how important words are. Many of us might have been hurt by someone or we might have hurt someone with our wrong choice of words. For many, your words have been a life-changing experience and for some it has been a devastating experience.

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People may not always remember what you told them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. There is always a difference between what you say and how you say something. Even if what you want to say is legit, the way in which you communicate it can alter the way it will be perceived.

Think of words. When said with power, they create an indelible impact in people’s minds. Often times, it’s not instances of celebratory appeal that reveal the power of words. It’s usually those moments when you want to disagree, disapprove of something or someone’s behaviour, reprimand and the list is endless. Frequently, you are always mistaken during such moments not because of what you said, but how you said it. Your intentions were not wrong, but the manner in which you said it made the receiver feel as though he or she was being ridiculed. The result — your message was received with aversion or you came across as someone seeking to protect his or her own interests. Even if your intentions were genuine, your way of communication didn’t reflect it.

Over the years, I have noticed it’s not only words that can clearly differentiate how we say from what we intend to. Our voice tonality, expressions and gestures too can create a wide gap between the “what” and the “how” and we surely have the means to correct it. Here are a few ways how our messages in such situations can be received sportively without altering the crux of what we intended to mean through them.

Rephrase!

Many a time, a change in words can spare you your reputation. My dad used to famously quote: “Instead of referring to someone as a fool, you could always tell them to be a little more intelligent”. Not only would such words elicit respect from the receiver for you, but inspire him/her to commit to a change. Most people use this way of communication when they want to point out someone’s flaws or are disapproving of someone’s behaviour, undoubtedly with the expectation that it will be received constructively.

It’s not always that you might have to change your usage of words to not sound hurting or demeaning a person’s character. Saying whatever it is that you are saying in a soft and gentle tone will make them worthy of creating a long-lasting impact.

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We meet two kinds of people in this life: Those who walk into a room and say, “Well, here I am!” And those who walk in and say, “Ahh, there you are.”

The ability to communicate in so many modes is unique to humans on earth. Effective communication is rarely taught and even more rarely learned in our society.

Communication is a door to financial wealth, loving relationships, and all that is good in life. Communication is the most talked-about and least understood area of human behaviour.

Competence in oral communication — in speaking and listening — is prerequisite to students’ academic, personal, and professional success in life. Indeed, teachers deliver most instruction for classroom procedures orally to students. Students with ineffective listening skills fail to absorb much of the material to which they are exposed. Their problems are intensified when they respond incorrectly or inappropriately because of poor speaking skills. Students who cannot clearly articulate what they know may be wrongly judged as uneducated or poorly informed.

Additionally, some speech styles of students can trigger stereotyped expectations of poor ability: expectations that may become self-fulfilling. Of equal concern, students who are unable to effectively ask for help from a teacher will not receive it, and typically reticent students’ progress more slowly despite what may be a normal level of aptitude.

Beyond the confines of school and colleges, oral communication competence can contribute to an individual’s social adjustment and participation in satisfying interpersonal relationships. Youngsters with poor communication skills are sometimes viewed as less attractive by their peers and enjoy fewer friendships.

Anti-social and violent behaviour often accompany or occur with under-developed social and conflict management skills. On the positive side, the ability to communicate orally supports sound psychological development. One’s self concept is acquired through interaction with others.

In psychological terms, achieving self-actualization involves communication activities such as making contributions in groups, exerting influence over others, and using socially acceptable behaviour.

As individuals mature and become working adults, communication competence continues to be essential.

Given the importance of the ability to communicate competently, the communication discipline should be viewed as central on school/college campuses. Humans are born with the ability to vocalize; but not with the knowledge, attitudes, and skills that define communication competence. The ability to communicate effectively and appropriately is learned and therefore must be taught.

There are numerous articles, commentaries, and publications, which emphasize the importance of communication and the role of the study of communication in contemporary life. These include the role of communication education in developing the whole person, in improving the work of education, in advancing the interests of society and in bridging cultural differences, and in advancing careers and the business enterprise.

Here are 12 ways which you can make as everyday habits and exercises to improve your communication skills and social intelligence:

1. Listen more to others. Do not react. This will make you an outstanding listener.

2. Count the number of times you interrupt other people especially with cultural differences.

3. Expand your vocabulary .Your vocabulary really does make a difference.

4. Take care of your pronouns. Do you like to talk about yourself? You’re normal! Limit your use of “I”; cut down on “I” talk and use “We” talk instead.

5. Practise using the words “Thank you”. Gratitude effects mental health.

6. Refine your voice and speaking style.

7. Focus on behaviour, not character.

8. Understand how different generations communicate. You will encounter different generations at work; learn how to communicate with them.

9. Master the art of communicating using e-mail.

10. Stop putting yourself down. Conquer the self-depreciation habit.

11. Learn the art of taking advice.

12. Put together a persuasive message.

This is sure to change the way you communicate. A first step to a new success!

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Influence is the power and the ability to personally affect others’ actions, decisions, opinions or thinking. It allows you to get things done and achieve desired outcomes thus making it an extremely important skill to possess. After all, you can do far more with the help of others than you can ever accomplish alone! Luckily, the ability to influence others isn’t just an innate ability that you are born with; it is a skill that you can learn. Here are a few easy tips to increase your influence on others

1. Enhance your communication skills.

Influential people have great communication skills. Become better at addressing large groups, small groups and individuals. Learn how to get your point across and how to captivate others. Remember to communicate using both non-verbal and verbal cues. Listen carefully to what others have to say, and over-communicate in new ways to ensure the content of the conversation sticks with the person in front of you.

2. Be more passionate.

Most people are just dragging along, hoping to survive another day. Passionate people can change the world. They have a big advantage when it comes to influencing others. Live your life doing things that you’re passionate about

3. Be more confident.

Those who lack confidence have a hard time convincing anyone of anything. If you want to influence others, it’s important to be confident. There are plenty of books and free advice on how to enhance your self-confidence. Invest in your personal growth and increase your confidence.

4. Build your charisma.

It may seem like some people are born likeable, but everyone is capable of developing charisma. No matter your personality, there are certain traits you can practise and apply to your own behaviour that can possibly make you seem more magnetic, trustworthy and influential. Charisma is all about being present and genuinely interested in the person in front of you. Your subconscious, social cues, physical expression, and the way you treat others all play a part in developing your charisma.

5. Build your social network.

Influencers know many people. And it’s not just how many people you know, it’s the kind of people you know. Seek out the important people in your desired field and make contact. Social media has made it increasingly easy to connect with industry influencers. Get in touch with them, comment on their posts and blogs. Build a personal connection with them.

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I am sure you would agree that leaders are symbols of strength and progress. We learn about them, hear about them, see them in action and even we want to be like them. But being a leader today is different from what it was 10 or even 5 years ago. Today’s workplace has a fast pace of change and many more demands. Leading and managing have moved well beyond just commanding and getting things done. Today’s leaders are required to tailor their leadership style to suit their environment and distinct situations. Having said that, there are 10 essential skills that determine the success of every leader. If you can master these skills, you can take your leadership from good to great!

Leadership Skill #1: Influence

Contrary to what most people believe, leadership is not about power. It is not about harassing people or driving them using fear. It is about encouraging others towards the goal of the organization. It is putting everyone on the same page and helping them see the big picture of the organization. To be a leader, one must be able to influence others to accomplish a goal, or an objective.

Leadership Skill #2: Motivation

The empires of the future are first built in the mind. Great leaders have an ability to create a vision of the future that is so vivid and compelling, that it inspires their people to want to achieve it. Simply put, they know where they are headed. They have a picture of it in their heads, and they are able to communicate it effectively. If you want to be an effective leader, it is critically important that you be able to paint a vivid picture of where your group or organization is headed and use that vision to motivate and guide action.

Leadership Skill #3: Communication

Communication is one of the fundamental leadership capabilities.Great leaders communicate with their people often, and that too in a variety of ways. They understand that communication is a two-way process, where listening is as important as speaking, because it lets people know that they are valued, and encourages them to participate and contribute. If you want to be a great leader, you need to be effective at all points in the communication process — from “sender” through to “receiver” — and you must be comfortable with the different channels of communication — face to face, voice to voice, written, and so on. Poor communicators usually struggle to develop their careers beyond a certain point.

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“Hi, how’re you doing son?”
“Good.”
“How was school?”
“Okay.”

Conversations with your young ones may not be the easiest to crack but patience and practice can help you win your teen’s confidence.

A study by the Council of Economic Advisors reveals that parental involvement is a major influence in helping teens avoid risky behaviours such as smoking, drinking, drug use, sexual activity, violence, and suicide. The study found that the prevalence of drinking is nearly twice as high among 15 to 16-year-olds who do not feel close to their parents, compared with those that do. According to the same study, simply eating regular meals as a family can drastically reduce risky behaviour among teens.

There is a fine balance that we as parents have to maintain between providing independence and guidance to our children. Yes, they do want us to be physically and emotionally available to them; but how?

1. Build exclusive time

Discuss with your teen and designate at least 60 minutes each day (from my experience of coaching teens and parents). The time will enable him/her to open up more with you.

You may spend time at home, or over a walk, or over dinner, or over an activity but please do take out that time.

Exclusive time is when you work on creating a bond between each other, with no mobile phones, laptops and a non-judgemental mindset.

2. Avoid judging yourself

Am I being a good parent? Will she become shy like I was during my childhood? Am I responsible for my son’s poor grades? He doesn’t open up to me because my conduct is not right.

Before interacting with your teen, communicate with yourself. Look within. We meet so many people in a day, and create so many influences on us in the form of biases, beliefs and anxieties. Practise meditation or listen to music or do whatever you love doing, and uncage yourself from any thoughts you have created about yourself with respect to your son or daughter.

You are a parent doing your best to make your teen a great human being. Create that self-assurance before talking to your child.

3. Avoid judging your teen

Take a backseat and listen. It is so easy for us to jump to conclusions and advice.

Teenage life is not easy. They are opening up to a new world, new situations, hormonal changes and so much more.

Your son/daughter wants you to be their sounding board. Use powerful questioning. Instead of asking “How was school today?”, you may ask “What was the best thing about school today?”, “What is the funniest incident that happened today?”

Connect to them. Be their friend.

They may come up with things you are not comfortable with. Respond to them, do not react.

Your son is trying to talk to you. “You know Papa, today this classmate of mine bunked school.” Even before he finishes you may say, “Bunking is bad, you should not be friends with that boy at all.” If you react like this, your child might take this reaction very personally. You never even let him complete the sentence.

First, listen to him and understand what he is trying to say by getting into his shoes. We have a beautiful word for it — Empathy. Exercise the same and see the wonders. Avoid giving them a lecture and work on having a conversation. From discussing small things with you, slowly, when he faces a difficult situation, he will come to you and not anybody else. It will prevent him from getting into finding other sources, all of which may not be for his good.

Make your home a ‘safe to talk’ zone.

4. Appreciate and acknowledge

Focus on positive communication. Teenagers want to be seen, heard, recognized and acknowledged.

If your son/daughter comes to you and says “Papa, I did not become the head boy/girl of my school”, you may reply: “I understand you are not happy about it but I heard your speech, you spoke so well.”

Now you have captured your son/daughter’s attention. He/she is ready to express himself/herself. You appreciated his/her speaking skills. At times, you may also repeat what he/she is saying, just to make him/her ponder over what they just said, so that they may be able to understand themselves better, build their own opinions and take rational decisions on their own.

You may also give genuine compliments to your children regularly when they dress well or when they put in genuine effort (even if the result is not positive) or about the choices they make.

Appreciation and acknowledgement will go a long way in helping you establish a deep connection with your young one.

5. Respect the closed door

Teenagers spend much of their time figuring out who they are, and who they want to become. They have a lot of things going on their minds and they need some space. I would like to advise parents to respect their privacy.

When parents push too much, the teen might just stop talking to them at all.

The need for privacy does not always mean they have something to hide. I have a young client who says: “My mom is too nagging. When I want my space and I am in my room, she keeps questioning me. It is like she is interfering with my independence. I love her and I’ll speak to her but not right now.”

By closing doors, your teen is creating a space to learn how to take control of his life and to be responsible. Just trust the values you have imbibed in your child.

Keep your door open so that s/he can come to you whenever they have something to discuss.

However, as parents, it is also our responsibility to ensure our child is safe.

If you see the door locked for a prolonged time, it is time to talk to your child without being judgmental. Just tell him/her: “I am worried about you and as your father/mother I am still responsible for you. I am here only to listen to you. Your concern is my concern. Please share what you are struggling with.”

This will help in deepening the connection you share with your teen.

If you apply the 5 ways of communicating with your teen, you’ll be amazed how the two of you can really transform your relationship. Could anything be better than that?

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