Life as we know has been altered with the fast-paced environment around us. And as we learn to grow and adapt to the changing demands, there is a heavy focus on achieving excellence. However, the bid to excel often puts emotional well-being in the back seat. A person’s ability to understand, comprehend and deal with their emotions shapes their personality significantly.

Studies have shown that the lack of ability to understand a situation can directly affect or hamper one’s growth. Identifying and communicating is an integral part of development. The human mind and its reactions have always intrigued me, captured my curiosity and has been a starting point of many of my explorations. As a student of psychology, I plan to dig deeper into such pursuits in a more structured format.

Growing up, I realised that teenagers, including me, find it very difficult to identify and express what we feel in a healthy manner, which is why I understand the importance of being able to talk about your emotions openly from a young age as it translates into a future ability to do the same. Middle school is perhaps the most eventful time as a child as it sets the tone for adult relationships. A child during this phase of life goes through a lot of emotions, and I wish I had better tools to help and understand what I felt. This is the time when one is no longer a toddler and has to navigate relationships and feelings independently. Social dynamics get more complicated and you start having stronger feelings, reactions and opinions.

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Say you like to eat ice-cream and I give you the same ice-cream daily for two weeks. What will happen? You will get bored and fed up. Now say I give you the same ice-cream, but one day I add springles, one day I add chocolate sauce, another day I serve it to you with a brownie, and one day I serve it as an ice-cream sundae. Do you think you will get bored that quickly? Any relationship or friendship reaches a point of exhaustion and boredom. How you keep the same alive depends on you and your partner. It is also important to see that the relationship that you are in is a healthy one. Your feelings are normal and many people do experience the same, however, having said that, it is equally important to work upon it.

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Dear Renita,

You have some pretty strong feelings for this guy in your school and you’re dying to find out whether he likes you in return.

But it is not just a simple matter of going up to him and telling him that you like him and asking him whether he likes you. What would you want to have happen after that?

Expressing your liking can only help you to know whether he is interested in knowing you, because liking someone you don’t yet know, and have never interacted with, is not the same as being in love. For love to grow, you need to get to know each other over a longer period of time. Also, telling someone about your feelings requires you to be vulnerable and trust that person with your feelings; this kind of trust only comes when there is a true friendship.

It makes more sense to get introduced as friends and to grow your friendship. Time will tell you whether your feelings are short-lived ones or the long-lasting kind; and also whether he truly returns your feelings.

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Anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person or event or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. It is a natural, adaptive response to threat and allows us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems — in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion because it disengages the part of your brain that’s used to make rational decisions. We often do and say things when we’re angry, that we regret later. How many times do you wish you could take back something you said when you were angry? It only takes a few seconds to cause a lot of damage and pain. Avoiding this type of situation is a good enough reason to work on your anger management skills.

The ability to manage your emotional states is a valuable skill that will serve you well throughout your lifetime.

Practise these anger management strategies to become a master of your unhealthy emotions:

1 Monitor your mental state. Notice when you’re starting to feel agitated. Anger is much easier to control if caught early. Once you’re in the middle of an episode of full-blown rage, it becomes more challenging. Keep a check on your negative emotions. They’re all easier to manage when they first appear. As they gain strength, the tools available to manage them become less effective.

2 Learn to let go and avoid holding a grudge. Grudges are a great way to keep yourself primed to feel angry with little provocation. Let go of your anger and forgive. You’ll feel better and life will be more enjoyable. You’re only hurting yourself when you hold on to a grudge.

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Possibly no one cares
Ultimately I am just a speck in the universe
I don’t want to live long
Just till the extent I can bear.

Unable to understand this feeling
Which has been with me since a catastrophe.
Have been carrying a concealed trauma
Locked with a key
That I have swallowed.

Want to get rid of this strange feeling
Despite sorrow and immense suffering
I am living with a delusion
That the world is a blissful place.

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Dear Rishabh, do not be in a hurry in your relationship with that girl. Give yourself and her time to grow freely together as good and close friends. The more you will share together your life, problems and expectations the deeper your relationship will grow. Slowly you will discover what you have in common, what you want in life and how you are planning your future. The moment will come when both of you will understand each other in a deeper way and develop deeper feelings for each other. This could result in building a deeper friendship or in developing a closer and warmer feeling between you which could lead to planning a life together.

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Dear Chelsea, it is sad to read that you have no one to share your feelings with and therefore you need a boyfriend because your friends aren’t there when you need them. At the age of 15 don’t you have parents and other family members to love and care for you? If you cannot be in a relationship with your own family how can you be in a relationship with a boy of your age who does not have experience of life? Have patience for a few more years and share your problems and difficulties with adult people whom you trust, before entering into such relationship.

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Sometimes I wonder how I feel about you,
Scared of these feelings because it’s still new
I catch myself thinking of the best way to share,
Hoping you’ll return my confession showing you care.
And then I catch myself again… and drag my thoughts back to reality
I’m back to square one, does this just happen to me?
Poems are not the way; I would never do this
But this is YOU, and you aren’t like anyone I have met.
How much longer do I have to write, can I tell you yet?
When I come back from my thoughts I feel more secure
But then I sleep… and the dreams of you occur.
The dreams I have of you are so vivid and clear
I feel true happiness inside and that there is nothing to fear.
People say dreams have underlying meanings and not to ignore them
I say we both know what they mean and now I want you to hear.
Hear what I am about to say to you, see it in my face
Hear it in my words and tone when we converse…
I love you! I love you more than I ever thought I could
Be with me always and be loved like you should.

Published in the May 2017 issue of The Teenager Today.

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Today, I am not going to write about one of my melancholy days, my insecurities or how I fought with Ma. Today I may ramble on, but it is not going to be something which makes you yawn. Today I am going to write to you, about you and for you.

I have not been a good writer really. Yes, I get the occasional instant gratification when I post my blog (it has not been doing well lately. Oh god, I shifted to myself again.)

I first met you six years ago when Dad gifted you to me on our way to Kerala. He wanted me to document what we did every day. Somehow a few weeks later you transformed from a travel log to a personal secret keeper. Well, whatever kid-like secrets I had then.

I fondly wrote “KEEP AWAY! SECRET DIARY… DON’T TOUCH!” like that was going to help. You were mine.

After all these years, I am on the third edition now.

But I have been a first class betrayer nowadays and today I owe you an apology.

I’m sorry to have left you in the deepest chasms of my cupboard which I never open.

I’m sorry for the dust that covers you.

I’m sorry to have left that entry mid-way where I was telling you about ‘him’.

I’m sorry for not writing to you for so long that now my entries are mostly me saying “Something really excited happened, but I don’t have time ttyl bye!”

I’m sorry for not completing you.

But see, I have my friends to tell stuff to and they also give me some response to what I say! Oh, don’t be hurt, but it is sadly true. You cannot give me any advice like they do. With everything so quick nowadays, I find it easier to type messages and Facebook statuses.

Maybe you, dear diary, would be my friend when I read you to help me understand my children. Maybe one day I will open you and laugh at myself for all the useless things I said. How I grew up from Disney Channel to Star World. But then tumbled back again into watching Power Rangers with my children and I would have my friend, you, to guide me, show me the way. I fantasize myself as the woman in The Notebook where I would be old, frail and may not remember things, but instead of my husband, it would be me who wrote you. My entire life story would be read out by my grandchildren as I lie on my deathbed.

I would have my legacy.

So today, I take you out and scribble everything I haven’t scribbled for the past 3 weeks. Today I complete you, like you complete me.

Love,

Your one and only friend

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