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Dear Joseph,

You really want to belong and make friends in your class, but don’t know how to go about it.

Perhaps people see you as aloof? Make the first move: Wear a smile and look welcoming. Greet others warmly.

Instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the other person: Ask more and tell less. They will slowly begin to know and like you and ask about you once they find you are interested in them.

Learn the art of conversation: Pick up a topic that seems to interest the other person, e.g., music and ask about the singer/group, music style, songs and what they enjoy most about it. Each response can lead to more exploration and sharing.

Be up-to-date on current topics; yet don’t hesitate to show you don’t know. It’s a great conversation starter when you say, “Hey, I don’t know much…how about telling me about it?”

People are intelligent. So it is not your looks, your physique and how you appear to others that will attract a girl or other people to you. It is the real person within.

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Shania stood in the corner of the room, which may have had 35 children, all her age. A dozen girls were dancing to some Bollywood hit, a few were discussing an upcoming sports event, some boys were focused on food, many others twiddled around with their phones and a handful were absorbed in a movie playing on a distant screen. This was a friend’s birthday party and these 15-year-olds had met up for the evening. It was uncanny that Shania felt like she did not belong. There were enough activities to engage anyone; sufficient people to connect with, a fun environment to rejoice in, but she clearly felt she didn’t fit. It was uncomfortable. Maybe nobody else noticed her awkwardness as they were too engrossed within themselves. But she was there in the group of 35. Alone.

Have you ever endured any of this?

• Discomfort while talking to your own friends?
• Feeling that nobody, no one understands you?
• Inability to talk openly in social situations?
• Sensing that nothing anyone says is interesting?
• Feeling detached, dissociated or disconnected?

I would not be surprised to know that several of us feel this way. We do have friends, family, neighbours, classmates, teachers, acquaintances, sport buddies; at least a hundred different people whom we interact with every day. Yet we feel out of place. And it’s not a nice feeling. So what is it that really glues us to this world and the people in it? Why do we sometimes feel like aliens on this very planet, outsiders in our own home and strangers among our own friends?

Feeling connected

Findings from the study of brains of rodents to highly evolved animals like human beings, have affirmed that we all like to feel connected to those around us. We just need to be linked to other human beings. Brain research shows that the moment we perform an activity alone, immediately the social part of our brain gets activated to ascertain how it would be to do this activity socially. Our brain just doesn’t want us to be alone!

Have you noticed that when you get a new haircut you wonder if your friends will like it? Or when you get your report card you think about how your folks would feel about your performance? Or when you may have done something wrong and nobody’s seen you, you still wonder what would happen if you were caught?

Our brain chemicals help direct these social bonds. The more we spend time with people, communicate with them, and have pleasurable interactions; greater volumes of happiness and connectivity chemicals are released and we build more and more networks just by making a start.

We’re more social than we realize.

Feeling disconnected

Now that we know we’re chemically-run creatures and our brain substances help make social grids within our minds, a derangement in these would mess up this web and allow us to feel disconnected. Maybe an anxious social interaction at some point in the past could have made us insecure about people’s intentions. So we retain that memory and cease to feel good even with friends who might have our best interests. We begin to think negative and release more negativity and stress chemicals in social situations.

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Dear Lucky, due to some “unnecessary issues” between you and your friends you feel left alone. Remember that God gave you loving parents and other family members in order to guide you in the best way. You should trust them and be guided by them, especially during your teenage years. Open up a dialogue with some friends who come to you for favours or help, without falling into “unnecessary issues”. Friendship is a give and take relationship. Be available to anyone who meets you and put on a smiling face. If you smile at others they will smile back at you and you can talk and share with them slowly building up a friendly relationship and avoid falling into depression.

The post I have no one to talk with appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Do any of these experiences ring a bell?

• Being at a party but feeling disconnected from everyone?
• Talking to a friend but wishing you were by yourself?
• Feeling a sense of emptiness or deficit in life?
• Craving to call a friend and just talk your heart out?

And what about these?

• Reading a book in silence and feeling accomplished?
• Smiling while thinking of an old friend who’s far away?
• Sitting at the beach and realizing how beautiful life is?
• Studying alone and feeling a sense of fulfilment?

Feeling disconnected may be a sign of loneliness, as is evident in the top 4 examples. On the other hand, one can be by oneself (solitary) and yet feel accomplished and content as is seen in the bottom 4 situations. How and why then do we drop into these negative zones of solitude and at other times crave for this personal space that we use for introspection and self-growth?

A point of view

Loneliness and aloneness are often conflated. The dictionary itself describes loneliness as a state of sadness because one has no friends or company. As if something is missing from life, a sense of incompleteness and inadequacy based on an inability to build relationships with people. Many think that being solitary accounts to being lonely and the unwritten rule says that one must surround oneself with friends, classmates, co-workers, family, cousins or acquaintances; or even choose to be in a public place to assure that there are people around. Particularly at a young age, being by oneself may be considered by fellow teenagers as less cool, detached, isolated, aloof or even dejected, abandoned or even depressed. This negative perception can lead to all of the above negative emotional outcomes while a positive insight can arouse optimistic consequences.

Here’s what solitary time can enhance for you:

• Self-awareness
• Productivity
• Creativity
• Mindfulness
• Attentiveness
• Problem solving
• Memory.

Rebooting hardware

Loneliness is usually a negative perception whereas aloneness is a positive choice we can use to our advantage. The true and real alone feeling is defined as a moment of self-reflection where one is thinking nothing, feeling nothing, doing nothing; and hence has an opportunity to reflect on oneself; to reappraise, readjust and regulate one’s life. Often we are stuck in the rut of things and we don’t find the time to stand and stare within, to reboot what may have been dysfunctional. The alone time directs your energy inwards and allows for this self-analysis. It rather is a mandatory state we all should allow ourselves to be in.

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