Dear Sheena,

Looks like the new girl in your class is making you feel quite insecure and you ‘can’t stand her’. This new girl is quite popular, and everyone is attracted to her, including your friends. Seems like you feel helpless that you can do nothing about it.

It is not that a person is ‘a nice person’ or ‘not a nice person’. You think that she is not nice, but your friends think she is. So, reflect on what makes you say that she ‘isn’t a nice person’? Note down any evidence that you have for each reason. Have you interacted with her enough to get to know these things? What does she do when she “plays politics”’ with you? Have others also noticed the same things? If not, your friends will see that you feel jealous.

Instead of focusing on putting her down, focus on what makes you feel insecure and develop yourself in those areas. If you want your friends back, pay attention to your relationship with them and the fun you can have together. Your friends will not be happy around you if your attention is on her in a negative way.

How about going a step further and making friends with the new girl? Discover whether you find her truly nice or not. Perhaps it is not about competing with her, but all of you finding things in common and being friends. Might be more fun…

The post She “plays politics” with me appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Ronita,

You are dismayed to learn that your best friend has a crush on you for you are worried that this could mean the end of your friendship.

So, if you haven’t already done so, ask for time with your friend and speak frankly with him. Gently but firmly state that you don’t reciprocate his feelings. Ask him what he would like to do. He may want to remain friends but want time off from the friendship to work through his feelings. Or he may want to end the friendship. Either way, respect his choice. And if you feel you want to end the friendship, then discuss that with your friend. He would need to respect your decision too.

Unfortunately, with his feelings for you and your relationship has already changed, and even if you don’t want to break the friendship, you need to be prepared that it may happen. This will depend on the choices you both make.

The post I don’t have feelings for him appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Ranvir,

Looks like you’re feeling helpless at being unable to do anything about your anger and its consequences.

First, understand your anger: Find the real feeling underneath the anger. E.g., if you can’t share your problems with anyone; if your best friends don’t listen to you; when a friend doesn’t talk to you… how do each of these make you feel? You get angry when you yourself don’t know what you are really feeling. When you’re angry, you may end up taking your anger out on someone/something else, making things worse. You can look up the ‘Anger Iceberg’ worksheet online and use it to understand your anger.

Observe and list the warning signs that you’re showing. For example, do you tend to tremble? Does your mind go blank? Do you breathe heavily? Note these down.

Manage your anger: Use the S.T.O.P. technique. When you know you’re getting angry, first Stop doing anything and just wait. Then Think about what is making you angry and label the feeling, e.g. I feel…. Then think about the Options you have to calm yourself instead of showing your anger. Maybe you could go for a walk, listen to calming music, breathe slowly… Finally, Proceed to do what you need to do next, e.g. you can go ahead and express your feelings.

You can ask yourself: How can I express myself in a way that will truly express my need instead of simply reacting to the person in front of me. Over time, you will learn to find what really bothers you and manage it well.

The post I am often short-tempered with others appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Dwayne,

Looks like you feel hurt and mistreated by people who don’t seem to dislike you, and your negative thoughts don’t help the lack of confidence you feel.
More than others liking you, it is essential to like yourself first. So, start by asking yourself, ‘Is it really true that people don’t like me?’ Whether ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ask ‘What proof do I have for this?’ All the ways they treat you can be included here. Then ask: How do I feel when they treat me like this?

Next ask, ‘How would I like people to treat me?’ What steps can I take to make this happen? How difficult or easy are each of these steps. This should also help you to learn about yourself as a person. Are you shy? Hesitant to reach out to others? Do you think you’re not good enough or undeserving?

The first step to make it happen is to love, accept and like yourself the way you are now. Self-acceptance is the best starting point to change and build your confidence.

Develop your confidence by developing your personality. Discover your own talents by trying out different hobbies and by contributing to someone’s life. Volunteer to teach younger kids or join a youth group to do social work. If you are less self-conscious about yourself, you’ll be more confident. Remember, respect yourself, and others will treat you respectfully.

The post I can’t face people confidently appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Asmita,

You are feeling guilty that you are ‘disobeying’ your parents to join a course of your choice because till now you have always obeyed them.

Like all parents, they may be thinking about economic aspects, social acceptance, where you study and work (location), and safety instead of your interests and your talent/skills. However, you are going to study and work in a particular field, so it is also important to enjoy what you do.

There are two things to do: One is to convince them — in a firm yet caring manner — that this course is really what you want to do, and how it is right for you. Second is to address their fears, if any. You could seek professional advice from a career counsellor if you wish. Do your homework about what they might want to know, e.g., detailed information about the course, career prospects, income, your interests, your talents and so on. Request that they give you a fair hearing and share your thoughts; ask for their views and suggestions and answer their questions. Assure them that you will see the course through and take responsibility for yourself.

If you are firm about what you want to do and address any fears they may have, it is more likely that your parents will understand and respect your choice. Good luck!

The post I feel guilty about disobeying my parents appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Peter,

You are sensitive to others’ feelings about you. This makes you overthink what happened, which affects your emotional and physical health, and your sleep.

When someone criticises you, first calm yourself. Breathe and count backwards from ten to one. Or notice any five objects of different colours in the room. When you are calmer, question these negative remarks. Are any of them true? What is the evidence that they are true? What is the evidence that they are not true? If they are true, you can use them as feedback to improve. If they are not, then you know the other person is probably expressing their opinion or their frustration.

Reflect on what affects you when someone says something negative or puts you down. We usually feel affected because we want to be seen as ‘nice’ by everyone and often don’t respect ourselves enough. So, instead of thinking ‘I am not good enough’, say ‘I am learning and growing’. Know your own strengths and weaknesses and accept, love and respect yourself as you are. Befriend people who respect you and learn to say ‘no’ to those don’t. Participate in youth activities that help develop your personality and your leadership skills.

When you feel more confident, firmly let people who pass negative remarks know that you find their statements too negative; and it is best that they only give you feedback you can work on. Show them that you are fine with yourself the way you are. Stand up for yourself!

The post I am easily affected by people’s feelings about me appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Ashish,

Your shyness and self-consciousness cause you to be embarrassed when your female friends compliment you, and this is not abnormal at all. It is perfectly normal to feel shy with those of the opposite gender in your teens.

If you are uncomfortable and embarrassed when the spotlight is on you, is it that you think you don’t deserve the attention and the compliments? Or are you afraid that someday they will change their minds about you and think that you’re not good enough?

Start by receiving a compliment with grace. Practise saying, ‘Thank you’ and smiling in front of a mirror and then simply say ‘Thank you’ and smile when they pay you a compliment next. Learn how to pay a sincere compliment to them too. It will take the attention off you and yet make you appreciated.

Girls are human beings too, so learn the art of conversation. Think of an interesting topic and bring it up. Ask for their views. This will take the spotlight off yourself and distribute the attention among many others. Plus, you will find common interests.

Most importantly, your shyness can be a strength — it shows that instead of being brash or rude you are a caring and gentle person. And who doesn’t like a tough guy who can be gentle too!

The post I feel very shy and embarrassed appeared first on The Teenager Today.

The academic year is all set to begin and most of us go back to school or college with mixed feelings! We all know what lies ahead — teaching, learning, tests, and examinations. And it’s the tests and exams that we usually dislike because we often feel stuck about how to crack the study code, i.e., how to study or learn and how to prepare for our exams.

The ‘study code’ includes not just techniques to remember and recall information, but also techniques to manage your energy, plan your studies, and ensure your health is maintained.

Study Techniques

PRE-STUDY PREPARATION
Instead of simply ‘jumping into’ studies, first be on your mark and get set to study. To do this:

Take notes
The first step is to take notes or write down key points in a notebook when your teacher is teaching.

Prepare to study
▣ Scan your chapter: Look at headings, sub-headings, diagrams and pictures, and their captions, and most importantly, the summary. Underline any keywords that catch your eye.
▣ Create an advance organizer: Create a table of contents or topics and sub-topics if there isn’t already one in your text or a graphic organizer of how you will arrange the topics to study.

Seek clarification
▣ Read the chapter: Read your chapter in detail keeping the above in mind and see if you have understood the content. Mark any content that you have not understood.
▣ Clear your doubts: If you don’t understand something, you may not understand the chapter, and may even struggle with the next topic and the next. This is the most common thing that makes students give up on studies. So, ask your teachers, parents, friends, or anyone you know for help to clarify your doubts.

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The post Cracking the Study Code appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Resham,

You are unhappy that your boyfriend won’t kick his smoking habit. So first let’s reverse this: Ask yourself, if someone asked you to give up a habit of yours, would you? And if someone threatened to leave you for this habit, how would you feel? When would you give up this habit?

Trying to make a person kick a habit doesn’t work unless they themselves want to and see the benefit in doing so.

Instead, ask him what makes him smoke? What satisfaction does he get by doing so? Then discuss the advantages and disadvantages smoking has on his health by asking questions and providing him with facts (do prepare). Do tell him about passive smoking too. After this, if he wants to give up, ask him if and how you can support him. Let him share ideas on what you can do — but avoid taking on the role of a policeman; no one likes to be policed even if they ask you to do it.

If he is serious about it, then create a small written pact. But after that, it is his choice what he wants to do. And if he chooses to continue, and it doesn’t suit you, then you need to decide what you want to do — stay or leave. If he does give up, then yay!

The post He has the habit of smoking appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Simran,

It is wonderful that you love your parents a lot. Yet you are sad that you cannot live up to their expectations and feel hurt that they compare you with other students.

Looks like you and your parents need to communicate and understand each other more.

You say that you are “very good in studies” but that your parents “expect more” from you. What exactly do they expect? Have you confronted them about it? What is it that you are “not able to do”? Ask for their guidance to achieve what you need to. And if you are truly unable to achieve it, you need to let them know that you can’t or that you need their help.

In what way do they “compare you with other students”? Have you let them know that you feel bad when they do so? Let your parents know that just like every person, you too are unique and different. Discover your uniqueness by writing your strengths, weaknesses, goals, and dreams, and by participating in as many activities as you can and making friends. Most of all, enjoy what you do. It is important that you discover and live up to your own expectations.

You want to make your parents happy and proud of you, but the reality is that no one can ‘make someone else happy’. You need to be happy yourself. When you are happy and use all your talents, your parents will surely be happy.

The post They always compare me with other students appeared first on The Teenager Today.