Like the fabled Dick Wittington who visited London expecting her streets to be paved with gold, I too, many decades ago, entered the city of Bombay, now Mumbai, expecting to set up a business from scratch and become a millionaire overnight. But those same streets, gold-less and cold, cruelly taunted me day in and day out as I walked them, selling my ideas and product from house to house, flat to flat, and quite often office to office.

Then, often depressed and disappointed with no sale done, I’d find a tiny lane in Nepean Sea Road or Juhu leading me to a beach, and there tiredly plonking my cheap briefcase onto the sands, I’d sit and watch the sea.

This was something I did time and again, seeking solace and comfort from the stillness that the bouncing waves offered.

For many years, I’ve read Psalm 23 and reflected on the second verse, “He leadeth me by the still waters,” and for many years I’ve imagined a placid lake or a gently flowing stream and the peace and calm that those still waters offer. But today, as I thought about those early days, sitting tired and worn on the beach, getting solace from the waves, I see another scene unfolding — disciples on a boat in a tempestuous sea. The waves are high, and the boat rocks like a handkerchief in a washing machine. I see them terrified.

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I can understand how awful you must be feeling with this thought sinking into your head gradually. Humans by nature are said to be an unpredictable species; their personality is ever-changing and dynamic. The fact that you haven’t met your friend would make it even more difficult to judge him better. Always remember that we can never know a person fully, though we feel we do. Online friendships don’t always have a happy ending as you would only know how much has been told to you. Remember that in life we can never chase anyone to stay; if this is something that he has decided, that is his decision. However, being at the receiver’s end, I do not want you to ever feel inferior. As the old saying goes, “Time heals everything.” I want you to trust that this too shall pass with time. The present is going to be tough to deal with, but spending quality time with your friends and loved ones will make you feel a lot better, keep yourself distracted, pursue a hobby and set futuristic goals for yourself. This would motivate you and help you feel better too.

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It is important for you to know a person well before trusting them. At the initial stages of any relationship/friendship most people are at their best behaviour which later fades away with time. If you quickly trust a person the chances that you will get disappointed are very high. Give yourself and the person enough time before making any move.

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Dear Janvi,

You’re feeling quite upset that your parents don’t trust you anymore after they ‘caught’ you talking to a guy. While your parents are naturally concerned about your safety, they seem to be suspicious of your every move.

Unfortunately, fear stops us from telling our parents about our friends, especially those of the opposite gender. Yet, it is important to discuss with them that you will meet people of both genders, especially when you go to college, and that friends of the opposite gender are not always romantic relationships.

If you want to build trust with your parents, first communicate openly and honestly with them. Tell them about your friends — who they are, how close they are to you, how you met them, their backgrounds. Let your parents meet your friends. Perhaps your parents might also want to get to know their parents.

Discuss and agree upon limits and boundaries related to going out with friends; and then keep to the limits you have agreed to. Your parents need to see you as someone reliable — a person who will keep her word, and whose behaviour is consistent. Show them that you can balance your studies and friendships, and you can say ‘no’ to your friends when needed.

Rebuilding trust will take time, but the more open you are, the easier it will be for them to trust you again.

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Dear Anjali,

Looks like you both are pointing fingers at each other, trying to boss each other and change each other; and this is making both of you resentful.

Each person is different — in thoughts, feelings and actions. Each person makes his/her own choices and is responsible for the consequences of these choices. Each one has to learn to decide what is good for him/her and what is not. Asking someone to change and do things — perhaps the way you think is right — can make him/her feel that you don’t accept him/her for who he/she is, and this can spoil the relationship. Also, telling someone to change will not make the other person take steps to change unless he/she wants to choose.

While you do care for your friend, you can only express your concern to her and perhaps make suggestions. It is up to her whether she wants to take your suggestions or not, and you have to respect that. Focus on enjoying your life, while keeping your friendship, too. I’m sure there are still things you both can enjoy together without getting in each other’s hair!

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Dear Anshuman,

Looks like you are interested in your studies and find it easy to score well. Your classmates do see you as intelligent. It is possible that they are simply jealous of your continued success, while they have to work much harder to get good marks. However, they don’t seem to see you as a warm and friendly person; and I can see that it hurts you a lot to be labelled as ‘not a human’ and as someone without ‘feelings for others’. Perhaps they don’t really know the person that is ‘Anshuman’, a person with feelings? If yes, it would be good to reflect on why.

To make friends, you need to be one first. So, let others see your true personality a bit more openly. Take an interest in others; find out what they like and what you have in common. Show that you care.

Use your gift — your intelligence — to help someone who is struggling with his/her studies. Begin with one person, if possible from your neighbourhood or the underprivileged (not from your school/class). It is in giving that we receive. And when others see you as open and giving, they will see you with new eyes.

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Dear Anshika,

You are currently feeling quite insecure about your relationship with your closest friend. You also feel suspicious of others’ motives and are confused about whom to place your trust in.

Suspicion arises when we think that something may be happening or is true, but we have no evidence for it yet. So if you think your friend is backbiting you, go up to her and clarify it. While you may not share your deepest thoughts and feelings with everyone, withdrawing from others will not help you build a relationship with anyone.

Trust takes time to build. When deciding whom to trust, look out for the following: Is that person relaxed, open and transparent with you? Does s/he maintain eye contact? Does s/he listen to what you have to say without judging, and confide in you in turn? Is this person dependable — is s/he there for you when you need him/her and does s/he do what she says each time?

You say that there has been a complete change in your behaviour since two years. If something so drastic has happened to make you mistrust others, do approach your school counsellor who will help you work through it.

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Dear Nandita,

You’re quite upset that your mother doesn’t approve of you being friends with boys on Facebook; nor does she trust how you will behave with them despite trying to reassure her that they are just friends.

It is good if all the people who are your ‘Friends’ on Facebook are people you personally know and you are following cyber safety rules. What could make your mother uncomfortable is that perhaps she doesn’t know all of them. She probably didn’t even realize that there may be girls on your friends list as well.

A great way to build trust with your parents is to first reassure them that you have friends of both genders. Then, talk to them about your friends — both girls and boys. Share some snippets of their personalities, your common interests, their family background, and so on. As a teenager, you may want to keep your conversations with your friends private, but that shouldn’t stop you from sharing information about your friends with your parents. When you are open and relaxed with your parents, trust grows between you.

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