Ever since I started college, I have been looking forward to being a ‘working woman’. The suits, the desks, the paycheck … all of this makes it look so glitz and glam. I grew up watching my father enjoy the perks of it all. But little did I know of the grind.

And there I was on 12 June 2023, in my neatly-ironed shirt, trousers, laptop in hand, and close to zero expectations. I walked into the office, and the image of a large, noisy office was replaced by a minimal set-up.

My first few days are a blur. I felt alien and stupid. The feeling of incompetency is so hurtful to a young person trying to survive in a new environment doing their best. The purpose of this internship was to be exposed to the corporate world, and boy, was I exposed. Every day, I saw new challenges. It was like jumping hurdles in a race with no visible finish line. I could not see the end!

The straw that broke the camel’s back was one day that I remember so vividly. I walked into the office with my first project completed. But the feedback I received was not even close to what I expected. It felt like I was back to day one — lost, confused. I wanted to run home as I had been away for over six months and I could not bear this environment anymore. I left early that day.

I’m not proud of what I did, but all I knew was that I needed to feel safe that day because I had hit rock bottom. From that day onwards, I set a new goal and priority. As an engineering student who had just completed second year, I decided to go back to my purpose and remind myself to be a student. My priority was college deadlines, following instructions from my professor and finishing this evaluated internship to the best of my ability.

Today, as I sit here at my desk for the last time, I feel okay. But most importantly, I feel ready to move on, which is not a bad thing. I feel accomplished that I have fulfilled my purpose in the past two months and survived it physically and mentally. I have completed a long list of firsts and an even longer list of learnings worth introspecting.

During the course, I felt emotions that I could not describe and that nobody seemed to understand. I felt lonely and isolated, but it also re-taught me how to survive alone. Having supportive family and friends gives you a sense of comfort. But what happens when they are away from you, and most importantly not on the same wavelength as you? This reminded me of the strength within — the little voice in your head — the voice that matters most. Your own thoughts, views, opinions, feelings — they’re the most valuable part of your conscience and will remain as long as you live.

This was my experience and yours may be different. It reminded me of how much I love studying biotechnology. My academic mind was in denial of this love, after it got blinded by the universally-set route of attaining degrees to get jobs and earn money. I feel blessed to have gotten this opportunity that reminded me of my purpose, my aptitude, my joy.

One day, I may look back and disagree with my current opinions. But for now, this is me signing off from a desk job and getting back to my books, microscopes and bacterial cultures for as long as life allows.

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Not to sound dramatic, but when I fall sick, I become the troublesome baby that my mother dreaded putting me to sleep every night. Needy, cranky, noisy and any other word that would make you pity the poor parents.

But it was different this time. I was away from home. I did not have the mother who would cater to those tantrums and pay heed to this nineteen-year-old nuisance. All this talk about social media and mobile phones connecting us across borders, keeping us in touch… only moments like these make you realise how shallow and superficial this style of communication is. I sat there, crying to a mobile screen that showed my mother’s helpless face, complaining about my miserable state.

It was a different type of weakness, one I had never assumed to feel. Besides my body giving into the virus that had attacked it, I witnessed my mental state surrender too. For the first time in my life, I felt emotionally weak. It was not my unwell body that forced me to lay in bed, but the lack of will to get up. I witnessed a battle between my mind and body.

I felt as though I was falling into a pit of all my past problems. My mind decided to show me a slideshow of a ‘series of unfortunate events’ that I had been through in the past few weeks. Not to mention the dreams of random incidents that began to haunt me and prevented me from falling into slumber. It is indeed scary to feel your own mind attack you with your worst nightmares.

So, as I sat sniffling, sneezing and sounding like the croaky frog waiting to turn into a prince, I decided to do what I know best — display courage; not just to anyone who may need it, but also myself. I do not take complete credit for this courage. It was a friend who reminded me, “You’re stronger than this, Tvisha”. It was more than just a reminder of my strength. It was a reminder that I do not have to find it alone. My emotional independence accepted defeat and convinced me that a helping hand hurt nobody.

The mind, body and soul are the trinity of our existence. When one falls short, the other two compensate. While my mind and body deteriorated, my soul reminded me of the courage I possess. My will to keep going has got me through enough, and this shoddy flu did not stand a chance at beating me.

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Dreams to me have always been like cinema — larger than life. It is almost an escape from the real world I live in. I learned that it is okay to enjoy the escape, but it got tough when my reality began to engender feelings of disappointment.

2020 was strange and uncertain for all of us. But it taught me something very valuable — the difference between dreams and ambition. It’s a fine line, a blurry one. While a dream comforts, it lacks purpose. Ambition evokes ardour but puts you at risk of burnout. A dream encourages ambition; but I wonder if ambition finds a place in one’s dreams?

My mother has always favoured a life of realism, staying pragmatic, and staying within the realms of results and consequences. But I beg to differ.

Mother, oh mother!
How do I convey?
Through one dream or another,
I shall find my way.

My dreams are my soul. They are the foundation of who I am; of whom I want to be. They are the reason for the light in my eyes and drive in my heart.

I am a dreamer, an emotional wanderer. I watch myself fly without wings, fight without failures, and imagine a life beyond.

When life seems grey
Stuck between work and play,
The forecast on the other side seems okay.
An escape, a haven, whatever you say,
A detour from reality is the plan for today!

My perception of the word ‘dream’ is not the same as it was a few years ago. There is no pressure to fulfil these dreams, yet they push me in ways no external motivation can. They bring out a sense of hope and have even contributed to self-confidence. Having accepted the fact that they are indeed my escape, I look forward to life more freely. My dreams don’t bind me with expectations, they push me to upgrade my reality.

Regardless of what your dreams mean to you — an escape or the fuel to your ambition — I urge you to keep dreaming.

Dreams show a world beyond your inhibitions and restore faith.

And like John Maxwell said, “Goals may give focus, but dreams give power.”

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As students, we have all been introduced to how it works as an organ. It keeps us alive.

I find myself often wondering about it. Somewhere among the blood, the valves and the arteries, lie our feelings.

I wonder if these feelings fit themselves in the arteries. I wonder if the heart purifies impure emotions along with impure blood. I wonder how it reacts in times of torment. I wonder how it survives in a world like ours.

We often use phrases like “my heart feels happy” or even “my heart is smiling”. Does the heart actually smile and frown like the mouth does?
Psychology says you can never un-love someone, unless you find greater love in someone else.

Nevertheless, the previous love never dies. Where, oh where does the heart contain all of this love, passion and emotion?

Whether it is the happiness in the eyes or the heaviness in the chest, I always wonder what the heart would be saying.

I wonder if it seeks the opportunities of expressing itself completely. I wonder what my heart would be like if it were not merely trapped inside the hollowness of my ribs. I wonder, if it would be freer if not in the human body. I wonder, if it would be happier if not in the human body.

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Some of us avoid this reflection simply because it reminds us of our flaws. A few extra inches, love handles, those chubby cheeks. “Why should I look at myself when I already know all of this? Why should I constantly be reminded of these flaws?”

Sixteen years into my life, I think I have an answer to those questions. It’s simply, acceptance. To make peace with yourself, to make your soul a little carefree and to remind yourself of how truly beautiful you are. You have to live with yourself up till your last breath, and that is a good enough reason to keep yourself happy. You are the only constant in your life and the most important one there will ever be.

But none of this means that you accept a version of yourself that you do not believe is your best. Living in a false reality of acceptance is not the way to be. Working on yourself is a process that will last as long as life. Watching yourself grow and metamorphose into the person of your dreams is the greatest pleasure known.

At the end of it, we are all seeking the same thing. Happiness. Happiness that is true and pure; happiness that cannot be trampled over by anyone; happiness that radiates from oneself.

So now let me ask you the same question again. When you look into the mirror, what do you see?

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