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He respects my decisions, no matter the path.
In his embrace, I find solace, not wrath.
With words of encouragement, he lifts me up high,
Saying, “Mysha, you can do it!”
As I reach for the sky.

“Never bow down,” he whispers in my ear.
“Stay strong and steady, there’s nothing to fear.”
A man of honour, strength and grace,
My brother’s courage shines in every embrace.

An inspiration to many.
A rock in our storm.
In his presence, I feel safe and warm.
Fearless warrior, a protector of the clan.
My brother, my strength.

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Ever since I started college, I have been looking forward to being a ‘working woman’. The suits, the desks, the paycheck … all of this makes it look so glitz and glam. I grew up watching my father enjoy the perks of it all. But little did I know of the grind.

And there I was on 12 June 2023, in my neatly-ironed shirt, trousers, laptop in hand, and close to zero expectations. I walked into the office, and the image of a large, noisy office was replaced by a minimal set-up.

My first few days are a blur. I felt alien and stupid. The feeling of incompetency is so hurtful to a young person trying to survive in a new environment doing their best. The purpose of this internship was to be exposed to the corporate world, and boy, was I exposed. Every day, I saw new challenges. It was like jumping hurdles in a race with no visible finish line. I could not see the end!

The straw that broke the camel’s back was one day that I remember so vividly. I walked into the office with my first project completed. But the feedback I received was not even close to what I expected. It felt like I was back to day one — lost, confused. I wanted to run home as I had been away for over six months and I could not bear this environment anymore. I left early that day.

I’m not proud of what I did, but all I knew was that I needed to feel safe that day because I had hit rock bottom. From that day onwards, I set a new goal and priority. As an engineering student who had just completed second year, I decided to go back to my purpose and remind myself to be a student. My priority was college deadlines, following instructions from my professor and finishing this evaluated internship to the best of my ability.

Today, as I sit here at my desk for the last time, I feel okay. But most importantly, I feel ready to move on, which is not a bad thing. I feel accomplished that I have fulfilled my purpose in the past two months and survived it physically and mentally. I have completed a long list of firsts and an even longer list of learnings worth introspecting.

During the course, I felt emotions that I could not describe and that nobody seemed to understand. I felt lonely and isolated, but it also re-taught me how to survive alone. Having supportive family and friends gives you a sense of comfort. But what happens when they are away from you, and most importantly not on the same wavelength as you? This reminded me of the strength within — the little voice in your head — the voice that matters most. Your own thoughts, views, opinions, feelings — they’re the most valuable part of your conscience and will remain as long as you live.

This was my experience and yours may be different. It reminded me of how much I love studying biotechnology. My academic mind was in denial of this love, after it got blinded by the universally-set route of attaining degrees to get jobs and earn money. I feel blessed to have gotten this opportunity that reminded me of my purpose, my aptitude, my joy.

One day, I may look back and disagree with my current opinions. But for now, this is me signing off from a desk job and getting back to my books, microscopes and bacterial cultures for as long as life allows.

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Whenever I think of it, the first thing that comes to my mind is the river with water always flowing. That made me realize how similar our life is to it. Like the water on the river bed which never remains steady, the river is always old but the water is new. It keeps flowing without taking a single break even for a micro second; it flows, flows and repeats. Similarly, our life. Life never takes a break at any moment. No matter what emotion we are going through — sadness, happiness, pain, joy, sorrow, fear, anger — every emotion will last for a certain period.

You may wonder, what can be done when nothing lies in our hands, when nothing is in our control? One thing can be done, and that is to recollect the footprints of life — what life has given and what life will give. Memories are like food for the heart. Let the hard memories remind you of how you made yourself a warrior by fighting with all the demons inside out, and how you created a stronger version of yourself. Let the good ones remind you of how grateful you should be for everything that life has gifted you, and be thankful for fulfilling all your said and unsaid prayers. Because at the end, we all go carrying an empty basket filled with nothing but memories.

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Not to sound dramatic, but when I fall sick, I become the troublesome baby that my mother dreaded putting me to sleep every night. Needy, cranky, noisy and any other word that would make you pity the poor parents.

But it was different this time. I was away from home. I did not have the mother who would cater to those tantrums and pay heed to this nineteen-year-old nuisance. All this talk about social media and mobile phones connecting us across borders, keeping us in touch… only moments like these make you realise how shallow and superficial this style of communication is. I sat there, crying to a mobile screen that showed my mother’s helpless face, complaining about my miserable state.

It was a different type of weakness, one I had never assumed to feel. Besides my body giving into the virus that had attacked it, I witnessed my mental state surrender too. For the first time in my life, I felt emotionally weak. It was not my unwell body that forced me to lay in bed, but the lack of will to get up. I witnessed a battle between my mind and body.

I felt as though I was falling into a pit of all my past problems. My mind decided to show me a slideshow of a ‘series of unfortunate events’ that I had been through in the past few weeks. Not to mention the dreams of random incidents that began to haunt me and prevented me from falling into slumber. It is indeed scary to feel your own mind attack you with your worst nightmares.

So, as I sat sniffling, sneezing and sounding like the croaky frog waiting to turn into a prince, I decided to do what I know best — display courage; not just to anyone who may need it, but also myself. I do not take complete credit for this courage. It was a friend who reminded me, “You’re stronger than this, Tvisha”. It was more than just a reminder of my strength. It was a reminder that I do not have to find it alone. My emotional independence accepted defeat and convinced me that a helping hand hurt nobody.

The mind, body and soul are the trinity of our existence. When one falls short, the other two compensate. While my mind and body deteriorated, my soul reminded me of the courage I possess. My will to keep going has got me through enough, and this shoddy flu did not stand a chance at beating me.

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How often do we say these words? Not to others but to ourselves? How often are we kind to ourselves? How often do we ask ourselves to take it easy? How often do we comfort our own souls?

It is easier to be kind to others than to ourselves. Comforting ourselves seems like self-pity and a form of weakness. But what we fail to realize is that the first person whose kindness we need the most is we ourselves. As long as we do not learn to love and respect ourselves, we cannot expect someone else to do us the same to us. And it is essential, because we cannot afford to spend every minute of our lives blaming ourselves for all that has happened. For all that we think could have happened. For all the opportunities we thought we missed.

Amidst this blame game, we start losing ourselves. The person that makes us authentic gets lost in the process. The fragments of the person that is left frustrate us. Because somewhere deep down, we know that is not us. We know we are better than that. But hating on those fragments will not do any good to us, or to anyone else.

We must learn to love them because no matter how small they are, they are our own. It is only because of us that they are reduced to mere pieces of sorrow and oppression. It is because of us that they are hurting, bleeding and crying to us to love them. Forgiving them, loving them, and caring for them is the only way we can get them healed. Loving ourselves is the only way we can find the person we lost within us.

We must understand that our setbacks and defeats do not make our souls weak. They are mere fragments, that too, the most beautiful ones. They make our victories worth achieving. They make us realize we are stronger than we thought we were. Say this out loud to your heart, loud enough to make it echo in its deepest and darkest of corners, “I am better than this. I am brave. And I love myself.”

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What happens when you stretch and release a rubber band? It comes back to where it was. Some have more elasticity than others and recoil better while some bands are rigid; they break when we pull them too much. To a certain degree, we are like rubber bands. We just vary in flexibility. And that impacts our life significantly.

Creatures of habit

We get used to things being a specific way. If we do something different, the sleeping cells in the brain have to be reactivated. They are pushed to build new connections to power new ways of thinking. Young teenage brains tend to get a little lazy here. When things go on the track that we have predefined, we feel in control. And we like it.

And hence, we abhor change.

That’s because we don’t want to pave new paths, we hang onto the railway track style of living. In this we are fixated and don’t feel compelled to venture into the unknown shaky zones outside of the established routine. We choose certainty. And feel at ease within it. We stick to our favourite food, same school; we don’t want to switch schools or try a new sport or hobby either. We feel upset if friends go away, in fact, we don’t even want to make new friends because we’re spending all our time grieving the separation from old ones.

With littlest of change we sense pressure, become stressed, and feel heartbroken. We get angry, push our loved ones away, blame the world, and at other times withdraw, and feel resentment and self-pity. The littlest concerns become catastrophes for us. And even though we know all this and we are emotionally strong, we can’t seem to cope.

Are we not strong enough?

Tough times don’t demand as much strength as they do resilience. But they’re truly what allow us to modify ourselves when we can’t mend the world around us. In fact, the strongest elements break because they cannot bend. That’s why, we make ornaments out of gold and not lead.

How to build resilience of character

Resilience is a mental capacity that allows us to adapt with ease during tough times, bending like bamboo instead of crumbling like a rock. Resilient people recover from hardships swiftly. In fact, difficulties don’t get the better of them in the first place. Most of us have a home to live in, schools and colleges to go to, food to eat, lovely clothes to wear, most have a mobile phone. I bet all of us are safe from war, famine and merciless poverty. But yet we are all susceptible to personal challenges. And these test us every day. When we are resilient, we are geared to face all challenges effortlessly. We stretch and then get back to where we were. We don’t break.

Change locus to keep focus

When we take responsibility for what happens to us and with us, we feel more in control. This doesn’t mean that our surroundings won’t affect us, but it does motivate us to not blame the world for our problems. When our locus of control is external, we’re powerless because we feel we’re not responsible for anything. We think our parents should change, friends should understand, and examinations should be abolished. An internal locus of control means we have to be in charge. This way we communicate better with our parents, become empathic with friends and study harder. And we feel better about our life.

Choose processes over outcomes

Action is our choice, what comes out of it, isn’t. We worry about what will happen if our result isn’t good — we won’t get into the college of our choice, we might not be able to make friends easily, we’ll be lonely and depressed and our life will be finished. We make so many assumptions about outcomes. And all are negative, of course!

It’s so much easier to focus in class, revise with friends, practise previous years’ papers, and sleep better before an exam. But no, we spend that time worrying. If we focused on the process, we would improve our action and its outcome. Unfortunately, we waste time agonizing about an imaginary battle. That it’s going to be hard and we’ll be weak and the result will be awful. We should think of crossing the bridge when we reach it. That way we get stronger and swim across effortlessly.

Change your emotions. And attitude.

The first thing to happen when you feel out of control is an emotional flare-up. You can’t predict or avoid your friend’s mood or exam result, for example. So, you get frustrated, upset, afraid, sad, angry or depressed. Negative emotions pose an unwanted drain on energy. And sap out any enthusiasm that otherwise might help you tide through your rough time. If your friend deserted you, it’s sad but it’s also a lesson to be more careful about whom you trust. When you are resilient, you take the blow and still don’t break. A positive attitude takes you far.

Detach for starters. Let go if you can.

Detachment means separating the emotion from the event. It helps you to accept reality without detesting it. This way you become a bystander, and the incident doesn’t affect you. Holding on to past failures can make the future look worrisome. That’s why stress becomes a habit for some of us and we make anxiety an integral part of everything we do. Try to let go of the past, if not, then work on a way to remember the past event but detach from the emotion you felt then. It will help you deal with life’s everyday risks with greater valour.

Invest rightly. Time, emotion, energy, everything.

Stress is pricey. Many teenagers believe that if they’re worrying, they’re at least doing something. Ironically, this makes them flustered, takes away common sense, adds to confusion, and allows more slip ups. Stress executes a vicious cycle that can invade our entire existence. Picture these cascading effects:

• Being worried about studies,
• Feeling distressed at home,
• Losing appetite and sleep,
• Avoiding meeting friends,
• Getting frequent headaches,
• Feeling more frustrated,
• Losing out on study time,
• Worsening performance.

All this because you could not be flexible. You couldn’t accept that bad days can happen. And that they will pass and that you are stronger than this, that you have survived this and more in the past, and that you can survive way more than this in the future. Because you could not bend, you broke.

Flexibility is an attitude. It keeps you from breaking.

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