I appreciate your honesty. Talking to fewer people may not always be the best solution, because in life you will have to talk to many other people over time. Indulging in daily physical activities is said to reduce anger. You can go for a run or brisk walk every day; this will help you unwind. Whenever you get angry, it is best to take a brief timeout of maybe 10-15 minutes wherein you can hold yourself better and gather your thoughts, too, before you speak. Simple stretching exercises and focussed breathing exercises (breathe in and breathe out very slowly) will also help you calm down. It is also important to have a friend that you can speak to and vent your emotions and fears to.

The post I am not good at controlling my anger appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Ranvir,

Looks like you’re feeling helpless at being unable to do anything about your anger and its consequences.

First, understand your anger: Find the real feeling underneath the anger. E.g., if you can’t share your problems with anyone; if your best friends don’t listen to you; when a friend doesn’t talk to you… how do each of these make you feel? You get angry when you yourself don’t know what you are really feeling. When you’re angry, you may end up taking your anger out on someone/something else, making things worse. You can look up the ‘Anger Iceberg’ worksheet online and use it to understand your anger.

Observe and list the warning signs that you’re showing. For example, do you tend to tremble? Does your mind go blank? Do you breathe heavily? Note these down.

Manage your anger: Use the S.T.O.P. technique. When you know you’re getting angry, first Stop doing anything and just wait. Then Think about what is making you angry and label the feeling, e.g. I feel…. Then think about the Options you have to calm yourself instead of showing your anger. Maybe you could go for a walk, listen to calming music, breathe slowly… Finally, Proceed to do what you need to do next, e.g. you can go ahead and express your feelings.

You can ask yourself: How can I express myself in a way that will truly express my need instead of simply reacting to the person in front of me. Over time, you will learn to find what really bothers you and manage it well.

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Dear Farheen,

Looks like you’re feeling guilty, and regret that you get angry with those who love you. It is much easier to take out your anger on those who love you, for they won’t really retaliate and will forgive more easily. But that means you are taking them for granted.

Examine your anger: 1) Who are you really angry with? Is it those who love you? Or do you take out anger meant for others on those who love you because you can’t take it out directly on the others? 2) What makes you angry? For this, create a worksheet. Draw a blank iceberg. In the part above the water, write the word ‘Anger’ and in the bit below the water, write the incidents that trigger your anger and the feelings associated with these incidents, e.g., hurt, unfairness, and so on.

Manage your anger: Notice your anger warning signs… a pounding heart? Faster breathing? Inability to think? Any other? When you’re angry, first acknowledge your angry feelings to yourself or to the person in front of you: ‘I’m feeling angry’. Then, use calming techniques. Some of these are: breathing slowly and deeply; getting up and walking; counting backwards from 10; blowing gently from your mouth; stretching your body; keeping a bubble blower handy and blowing bubbles out of your window! Use humour — create a funny poem to remind you that you’re getting angry and need to cool down, e.g., ‘Oooh, I am a volcano about to erupt!’ or ‘I’m becoming an Angry Bird!’. Come up with your own calming techniques.

Apologise! Saying sorry seems hard because we feel ashamed or humiliated to be ‘always’ in the ‘wrong’, while others are ‘right’. But the benefits are huge. Saying the magic word, ‘Sorry’, will make you feel lighter, happier and will improve the quality of your relationships. It will also make you think twice about being angry! And that is just what you want, right?

The post I get angry very fast appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Dear Rishi,

Looks like life has changed one-eighty degrees between school and college. You’re feeling quite out of control, and anger and irritability are often the ways we use in order to cope with this. Teenage is the time of turbulence: with hormonal and physical changes, it is the time to find your own identity as a person. Parental instructions seem like nagging, and we feel misunderstood by them. When angry it is difficult to focus on your studies because your emotions are high, and your attention is elsewhere.

To manage your emotions, use the Aware-Acknowledge-Allow technique.

Awareness: Ask yourself ‘What am I feeling now?’ Hurt? Frustrated? ‘What is happening in my body?’ Do I have a tight jaw? A headache? Any other sensation? Simply observe this.

Acknowledge and accept the emotion by labelling it. State: I feel angry/frustrated. It is okay to feel what you feel, but it is not always okay to act on it. For example, it is okay to feel angry, but not okay to act violently.

Allow the feeling to flow. You can express it (by crying, growling, breathing, etc.) or channel it creatively (Expression | Exercise | Sport | Music | Dance | Art | Journaling, Breathing) in any way that makes you feel good, as long as it doesn’t harm you or others.

In addition, focus on the career you wish to pursue, and accordingly set a routine for your studies. Pursue one serious hobby. Reach out to your parents as people rather than just parents — get to know them, find out what you have in common. Offer to help your mother in household works. Help them with something they need to learn. You will slowly find your relationship changing. Go ahead… you can do it!

The post I hate talking to my parents appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Who among us has never been upset? Or lashed out with harsh words? We have had people frustrated with us, too, at some point or the other. Without doubt, we all want to defend ourselves or our character, when we are struck by people’s irritation attacks. We all, therefore, think that we understand anger.

Let’s see the faces of anger we know.
Anger as hot fluid – She is boiling with anger.
Anger as fire – His anger is smouldering.
Anger as insanity – He was crazy with rage.
Anger as fight – I was struggling with my anger.
Anger as a burden – She carries anger around.
Anger as physical annoyance – He’s a pain in the neck.

We have so much creativity around and about anger, because it is such a usual, everyday reaction for all of us.

So, is it wrong? Everyone gets angry, no?

Anger is one of six basic emotions. The elementary human emotions are:

• Anger
• Disgust
• Fear
• Sadness
• Happiness
• Surprise.

Isn’t it uncanny that the majority of our basic human emotions are negative? Maybe not as negative as we think. Anger is an emotion that we perceive when things do not go our way. We use it to protect ourselves from attack. That’s why anger is also considered to be a defence. We get angry when we feel the need to protect ourselves from:

• Unfairness
• Injustice
• Criticism
• Character attack
• Antagonism
• Resentment.
• Simply not getting what we want

All of this seems to justify anger. The truth is — things cannot always go our way. People’s thoughts and reactions are their choice. But how we strike back determines whether anger is our friend or foe. Whether it degrades us or helps us grow. Anger is destructive if we are quick to react negatively, and don’t take the time to deliberate the impact of our reactions. In fact, we often surprise ourselves with our own rage. We often say: “I have no idea why I got so angry!” We can, and need to change that.

More to anger than we see or know

Our anger is like an iceberg. And there’s a gigantic body of emotions underneath, which we are all relentlessly covering. We get angry when we feel threatened or unsafe. We don’t like losing. We can’t face the shame and guilt and don’t want the pain of hard work. Here’s what the anger iceberg covers.

Consider these situations. We have felt some or all of the above emotions but used anger to cover them up. Do you remember feeling…
… guilty about not faring well in an exam?
… ashamed about not being invited to a party?
… sad about your pet who passed away?
… envious of the new smart classmate?
… disappointed when you did not win a match?

Did you respond to these with frustration and annoyance? Maybe you thought people didn’t care and you did not know how to handle your own feelings? If you realized and did something about the underlying negative emotion, you could have used your anger to your advantage. To learn and grow from the set-back. And become a bigger, better person.

Mechanics of anger — 0 to 100 like a Ferrari

Of course, everyone gets angry. But anger follows a process before it becomes second nature. None of us were born hot headed. Our experiences make us that way. Let’s see how angry reactions evolve.

1. Negative thought (he’s/she’s putting me down)
2. Destructive emotion (frustration, irritation)
3. Body’s action (release of stress hormone)
4. Bodily impact (raised pulse and blood pressure)
5. Angry behaviour (shouting, yelling, hitting, breaking things).
   

The intensity of this could be anywhere in the range of displeasure > irritation > frustration > anger > rage > fury

It’s on us to break the chain and prevent our displeasure from reaching the stage of fury. If we worked on the thought stage and prevented the negative emotion, the entire cascade could have been prevented.

How can we stop the anger cascade?

A lot depends on who the object of your anger is! A parent, friend, coach, trainer, teacher, classmate? Step back and think about the goals of your anger and what outcome you want from it. Find a way to defuse the situation and also to prevent it from happening again. If you’re frequently upset with parents or friends, ask yourself — is this about right now or is this something that needs to be worked on since a while? When someone says something you don’t like, listen to their anger and do something to prevent yours.

1. Don’t take it personally. It reflects on them and not on you. You reflect on you.
2. Focus instead of focusing on how you feel, think about what the other person feels.
3. Be curious. Wow, she’s so fuming angry, what just happened? Let me figure it out.
4. Communicate rightly. See how they are talking and react like you would normally.
5. Find the obstacle. Maybe they’re worked up about something else. Not at you.
6. Look for the reason beneath the iceberg. Be the smarter one to figure things out.

And if you have gotten angry already, then this is what you can do.

Know that anger is a basic emotion, so you will feel it, but you have to break the anger cascade. Ask yourself what you want from the person you’re angry with. If it’s a sibling, you want to share the TV. If it’s a teacher, you want to resolve your query, if it’s your friend, you want to see a movie of your choice, and if it’s your mom/dad, you want the latest iPhone. If you get worked up, the golden questions you need to ask are:

• How is this helping me?
• How does this help the relationship?
• What’s my end goal here?
• How can I calm, myself right now?
• Can I find an escape route?
• Can I defuse this situation?
• Can I take deep breaths and relax?
• Can I forgive this person and move on?

Anger does no good. As soon as you realize that, you’ll stop feeling angry. Lower your gushing adrenaline, learn to forgive the other person’s inadequacy, and learn to overcome your own, too.

When you’re at peace with yourself, you’ll be at peace with the world.

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How did you react when you:

• were disrespected?
• were treated unfairly?
• felt violated or attacked?
• felt threatened or exposed?
• were frightened or scared?
• endured deep physical pain?
• were interrupted from your goal?

Did you:

• yell?
• shout?
• lash out?
• cry out loud?
• throw things?
• call out names?
• raise your hand?

Would you say you felt angry? Or upset, annoyed, irritated and livid?

Anger is a normal reaction to something we feel is wrong. And allows us to correct it because we are righteous people wanting to protect ourselves and those who matter to us. However, the justification of anger requires a logical appraisal to whatever it is that we feel was unfair. Otherwise we would be getting impractically angry for any and everything, and those around us would not understand why we’re feeling this way. We’d be labelled hot-headed for no reason.

History of anger

Many centuries ago when humans lived in constant fear of animal attack (which meant imminent death), anger and aggression were survival instincts. Relentlessly and unfailingly, we were subconsciously aware that anything can happen to us anytime. So we had to keep on our toes, be hyper vigilant and prep for combat. Anger always triggers the fight response in the body, and physical fight was important for survival back then. These dangers and threats have nearly vanished today. But we still are as angry as before. Probably more.

Why exactly we feel angry

Anger is not a primary reaction. It is the result of one or many appraisals of a given situation that conclude that anger is justified. The fear of death is an ultimate one. Other threats don’t even fall close in intensity. However, with time our perceptions have changed, thresholds have lowered and tolerance has diminished. So, even though we’re more or less safe, we tend to find any and every event in life threatening. And we react like it is catastrophic; anticipate the worst and feel vulnerable. Just that this time it’s not an animal in the wild; rather it could be a parent, sibling, teacher, friend, neighbour or classmate who arouses this reaction in us.

Here are some possible precedents to anger. Can you identify with them?

Worry and anxiety: Ordinarily we would think that worrying about something would make us sad. But worry as we know it puts us in stress mode and the natural response here is of fight or flight. When we are concerned with an outcome that can be negative, we imagine the worst and get stressed and as a defence we lash out in anger. All anger is not about nervousness but at a younger age, it very often is. When we label our fears and face them bravely, we don’t get into stress mode and we prevent the anger outburst, too.

Read the full article by subscribing to the print or digital editions of THE TEENAGER TODAY.

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Dear Adrija,

You are quite aware of a variety of feelings within you — and that is great — but you feel helpless that you can’t do much to change things.

It must certainly hurt when those whom you get close to either ignore you or make friends with others… however, is it that under the mask of ‘rudeness’ and ‘sarcasm’ there is a person who longs to be accepted and loved but doesn’t think she is worthy or good enough? So, rather than risk having her friends walk away from her, she fights with them to push them away first? Break this cycle by learning to value yourself!

Here’s a small exercise to start off with: On a chart or in a journal, draw brick-shaped blocks. Write ‘My Wall of Fame’. Each day, write just one thing that you like or appreciate about yourself. Start with a simple thing, ‘I am a straightforward person’ (oh yes, it can be turned into a strength!). Send your ‘negative voice’ away on a one-way trip so that your ‘positive voice’ can come to stay.

Cutting connections with people only isolates you. Your purpose is to create connections and loving relationships. Only when you love and appreciate yourself, can you learn to appreciate others more and hate them less. And then, you will have not just changed, but transformed yourself!

The post I'm failing to change myself appeared first on The Teenager Today.

Anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person or event or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. It is a natural, adaptive response to threat and allows us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems — in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion because it disengages the part of your brain that’s used to make rational decisions. We often do and say things when we’re angry, that we regret later. How many times do you wish you could take back something you said when you were angry? It only takes a few seconds to cause a lot of damage and pain. Avoiding this type of situation is a good enough reason to work on your anger management skills.

The ability to manage your emotional states is a valuable skill that will serve you well throughout your lifetime.

Practise these anger management strategies to become a master of your unhealthy emotions:

1 Monitor your mental state. Notice when you’re starting to feel agitated. Anger is much easier to control if caught early. Once you’re in the middle of an episode of full-blown rage, it becomes more challenging. Keep a check on your negative emotions. They’re all easier to manage when they first appear. As they gain strength, the tools available to manage them become less effective.

2 Learn to let go and avoid holding a grudge. Grudges are a great way to keep yourself primed to feel angry with little provocation. Let go of your anger and forgive. You’ll feel better and life will be more enjoyable. You’re only hurting yourself when you hold on to a grudge.

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I cannot perceive why I suffer,
But the rains fall ever heavier,
The stormy seas get even rougher,
And the devil becomes merrier and merrier.

The post The raging storm appeared first on The Teenager Today.

It’s a fight I try to hide
The anger that rages in me.
My mind toils with vengeful thoughts
Draining my soul of all positive thoughts.
Fire on my tongue;
I feel it surround me holding me in place,
Pushing it down trying not to let me in.
Knowing the danger is about to arrive
All I could feel was hatred inside.
The urge to scream was unbearable
Destroying every hope I’ve ever had.
A never ending battle has started again
It’s me and my anger, again.

Published in the January 2017 issue of The Teenager Today.

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